I don’t feel much. At least when you compare it to what I used to feel.
I like to feign laughs, or smiles, just to make others, well, comfortable around me. Sure, those things will make me happy, but not enough for me to make the big smiles that people expect. But I still make those big smiles, just so others are comfortable around me.

Thankfully I don’t have to do that often, because, one; I don’t really need to often thankfully, and two; I’m more of a loner, liking to hang about with myself, either wandering, napping around the place, or reading, drawing, or writing. Even in class, I work by myself if possible most of the time, but that’s going off-topic.

I used to be oh so very emotional last year, and the years beforehand. It would definitely be accurately described as an emotional rollercoaster. One second I was happy, a few moments later, I would be almost instantly grouchier if someone I disliked came in the vicinity. But there were quite a few people that I disliked because they used to bully me. Maybe it’s just because I took offence to things easily, or because I was a wreck at keeping my emotions in check? (hey, that rhymed!) Or it could be both, who knows? But thankfully I don’t have any bullies this year, which is a miracle, in my opinion.

I think I feel less because of that. Because of the bullying, and the arguments. I believe it was a subconscious way of locking myself away from the emotional pain of constant disagreements, even escalating to actual fights with some specific people sometimes! Or it might be part of maturing, after all, that’s what me, my friends, and the adults and my life thought at the start of the year. And I am mature! Or well, more mature, considering even last years version of me.

I feel like these masks that I wear have become a part of me, that they are subconsciously placed on in times I don’t feel safe with myself, or vulnerable.

These masks will probably stay with me for a while, considering with how nothing’s really prompting me to change, and I’m perfectly fine with how I am in the moment, plus, I don’t need to right now. I’m sure I’ll be fine, if not weirding some people out along my way through life, because yeah, I have to admit, I’m pretty weird. But hey, everyone is in their own, special way.

I’m sure things will be A-okay, even with bumps along the road. Because what’s life without those ups and downs? You can’t appreciate the good by not going through the bad.

-Paige

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